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This chapter focuses on attachment styles in romantic relationships. Therapists classify attachment styles as either secure or insecure, with around 50% of individuals having an insecure style. Understanding attachment styles is important for building emotional trust in relationships. People with secure attachment styles generally have an easier time in relationships, while those with insecure attachment styles have strengths and weaknesses.

Attachment styles can be classified as secure, anxious, or avoidant. Securely attached individuals typically grew up with parents who responded to their emotional needs and trust their partners. They are good at paying attention to their partner’s emotional reactions and can tolerate some insecure behavior without it bothering them. Anxiously attached individuals may have grown up in households where their emotional needs were seen as overwhelming, and they can be demanding and needy in relationships. They alternate between idealizing their partners and being angry at them, and tend to worry that their emotional needs will overwhelm others. Avoidantly attached individuals may have had parents who were rejecting or dismissing of their emotional needs. They tend to withdraw when feeling stressed and have difficulty with emotional intimacy. Avoidantly attached individuals may be dismissive or fearful in their attachments.

Each attachment style has its own sabotaging behaviors and thinking patterns. Anxiously attached individuals often pick arguments during times of personal stress, react with anger before or after separations, and push their partner’s emotional buttons as a way to seek attention. They also have a tendency to think they are giving more to the relationship than they’re getting back. Avoidantly attached individuals tend to withdraw emotionally during times of stress, keep parts of themselves separate from their partner, and react angrily or dismissively to their partner’s need for attention. They may also have a clinical or practical approach to relationships and struggle with expressing emotions.

Creating and maintaining healthy attachment bonds in relationships with insecurely attached individuals involves understanding and addressing attachment fears. Setting boundaries, such as distinguishing between family time and couple time, and being clear about emotional needs can help build trust. Taking into account the impact of separations on insecurely attached individuals and finding ways to ease the transition can also help maintain emotional security. Support preferences are more about attachment style than gender, with securely and anxiously attached individuals preferring emotional support and avoidantly attached individuals responding better to practical support. When attempting to change behavior, it is important to emphasize autonomy for avoidantly attached individuals and commitment for anxiously attached individuals. Finally, being in a secure relationship can promote attachment security over time.

Overall, understanding attachment styles and implementing strategies for creating healthy attachment bonds can help build emotional trust and maintain healthy romantic relationships.

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